behind the bikini.

A few weeks ago I posted a pic of myself in a bikini (I wanted to throw up at such an act) as it was the first time that I have worn one in at least 15 years. In fact, I can’t even remember the last time I wore one. Big deal, right? Honestly, who the hell cares when I wore a bikini last and why is it so important!? Chicks wear bikinis every day, so good for you Kelly for jumping on the normal train. Well, I’m not normal…

When I was probably about 3, I took a photo next to my Mom in our matching polka dot bikinis and trust me it was the cutest pic ever taken and trust me when I say it was likely the only time I was comfortable in my own skin. I have always, my whole life, had body issues. I have been skinny, I have been hugely pregnant, I have been my fattest and no matter my size, I pick myself a part every time I look in the mirror. I talk shit to myself. I tell myself how disgusting I am. How these love handles are out of control. How these thighs have dimples on them. And if you touch my arms I’ll likely kill you. How can anyone love me with this body!? They can’t. Because I won’t allow them. I didn’t even love my own self.

Every year, I either tell myself or those who surround me that my goal is to wear a bikini this summer and ever year, without fail, I don’t. It’s not because I can’t wear one. Shit, anyone can wear one. I watch women at the pool, at the beach etc. walk around with their super cute suits on and very rarely do I say “wow she has the perfect body”. Yes, those broads are out there and yes they deserve a “damn, she has a perfect body” because they work hard for that body. On the flip side, those Mom bods, Grand-mom bods, skinny bods, fluffy bods all deserve praise. They certainly deserve praise for not giving a damn what I think. If we could all wake up tomorrow with the “perfect” body, we would. But, that’s not real life. Is there even such thing as perfect? Ummm. No! Some of us like a little junk in the trunk and some like to be well in doubt while some of us are neither (yours truly). The fact is, the only way that any of us are flaunting around in that bikini is with a little self love, a whole lot of confidence and not a lot of F’s given and I’m all about having all 3.

If you have read any of my blog posts, you know that I am on a journey learning how to love myself, find myself and be my best self. So, this year, I will be damned if I don’t rock my bikini and not care for a single second if anyone thinks I have a “perfect body” because, I don’t. I know I don’t, and I’m OK with that. HOWEVER, I want to be healthy and feel good and be excited about working toward my goal. So, here I am flaunting my shit for the world to see while understanding I am a work in progress and am working hard every day for that progress and as long as I see it, I will continue to work it. I will work with passion, love, happiness and self respect. I am a Mom. I have a Mom-bod with some serious stretch marks to prove it. I will wear this bikini. I will wear these stretch marks. I will wear my pride.

Life is journey, so slap your bikini on and rock it every damn day!

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Cheers to you bikini wearers, I salute you and I’ll see you on the flip side.

KF

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hi, i’m kelly and i’m a teen mom.

I have written about how I had a child at a young age and how the struggle became really real at the ripe age of 18. But the truth is the struggle hasn’t stopped.

Here’s the scenario 33 years old with a 15-year-old. You are in a room full of women who are your same age and they start talking about their kids (small kids typically), which of course I’m always into because it brings me down memory lane. Then- the bomb drops. They ask me how old my kid is, and BAM the shock is written all over their face. Most don’t even hold it back. The typical response is “holy shit, were you 13 when you had him!?”. My new response is “yes”. So, from that moment forward, to them, we no longer have anything in common. It is forgotten that I have no experience with a child because 15 years ago was a lifetime ago and I couldn’t have possibly been a good mother considering I was a “baby who had a baby”. So, let’s talk about make-up.

Here’s the scenario 33 years old with a 15-year-old. You are in a room full of women who have a kid the same age as yours. You are younger than them, therefore your “life experience” is not on their level. Again, I am a young Mom, so my parenting skills are not up to par because I didn’t wait to have children until I was married and had all my shit lined up. I didn’t have the college life, like them or the kidless life experiences, like them. I am different.

Here’s the scenario 33 years old with a 15-year-old, a husband who is 9 years older who has kids who are 17 and 20. People really lose their shit when I tell them those numbers. Kinda comical really. People’s automatic assumption is, “he must have money”.

Every day I live this scenario. Every. Day. I never even realized how “different” I was until my recent soul-searching I’m obsessing over. Do you know 90% of the people in my every day life don’t even know what I do for a living? Do you know that my husband had a recent divorce when I met him and had nothing to his name? Do you know that I spent my entire life having to prove my worth? That my age has NOTHING to do with my parenting skills, my husband choice or the way that I choose to live my life every day. Do you know that ACTUALLY being a teen Mom has given me more experience than more people in their 40’s and 50’s? Do you know how shitty it is to judge someone because of their age and choices that were made 15 years ago.

Well… The good news is I don’t care about any of those scenario’s or judgements. If you don’t think my experience in having a baby is worthy enough of asking for my advice, then I don’t want to provide you with any advice. If you think that the reason I married my husband was because he has money, then I don’t want to waste my breath in explaining the struggles we went through and the massive amounts of work it took to get where we are. If you think that because I am younger than you that my parenting skills suck, then I don’t want to waste my time in telling you the amount of sleep I have lost, the amount of time I worry about my kids, the amount of time I spend providing for them, giving them as much as I can and everything they deserve.

My parenting skills are not yours. I am not the perfect parent. I mess up, a lot. I have 1 kid that I spoil the shit out of. I have 2 step kids that I never want them to feel unloved or go without. I want my kids to succeed in this life. I never want them to be judged for any reason. To me, it is more important for them to carry themselves with confidence and learn how to be their true self then to always have to worry about what their friends think is “cool” or have straight A’s (don’t tell them that). Yes, they are not perfect and B can definitely make me want to strangle him from time to time, but he is who he is, and my job is to guide them to work hard to always want to reach higher levels and be the best they can be at whatever they set their mind to. It’s a really tough gig. But, I’m still here, fighting the fight and just because I’m a young Mom, does not mean I suck at life. In fact, I’m really good at life. So, maybe if we took more time trying to get to know people and not judging them we’d understand that 33, 42, 20, 17 and 15 are just numbers and they don’t define who we are.

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fakebook.

The Facebook cleanse.

The truth is, I got really pissed off one night and decided to delete my Facebook. The other truth is, Facebook does not make it easy to leave. After a solid 20 minutes of trying to find the “get me the hell out of here magical button” I clicked that thing so hard and it never felt so good. Not participating in social media has turned me into a total weirdo. One of those crazy people who watch documentaries about food, have a legit vitamin regimen, eat healthy and listen to positive podcasts. And… by becoming a total and complete weirdo I’ve never felt so damn good!

I realized that I have spent countless hours digging so deeply into the social media world, which some were well worth the time, but most were a complete waste. Don’t get me wrong, social media is a game changer. It helps communities, families, businesses, you name it. It’s the shit, really. I love seeing my family that live out of state, my old pals from high school, my new pals etc. What I have beef with is the fact that it sucks up so much of this precious thing called time. It shows people in a light that doesn’t reflect their true self. It gives us a platform to say whatever the hell we want, whenever we want. We hide behind this keyboard and talk about politics and religion and blast it across the world wide web. And if someone doesn’t “like” you or what you have to say damn, that’s some stress right there. I, personally, would have to monitor any pictures that were posted of me because god forbid someone saw an ugly picture, and trust me, my mom is famous for posting my worst pics.. oh, the horror! So, I decided I needed a break from that lifestyle and this is why the Facebook cleanse was born…

Instead of hopping on the good ol FB as soon as my eyes open in the morning, I read positive affirmations, enjoy a cup of coffee and acknowledge the sounds coming from the door being open, taking a few minutes to be thankful for everything in my life and meditating (one of those weirdo things). Then, I run. Like legit, run at least 3 miles. People don’t run for fun, is definitely what I thought my whole life. Especially after that one time I “tried out” for the track team in high school and spent the entire time in the bathroom thinking how insane everyone outside was. I never went back after that day and I was perfectly happy with that decision. But, as I got older I  became envious of anyone that could actually enjoy running. I see these Moms running with their kids in their strollers in my neighborhood and think to myself, shit if they can run with a small child, certainly I am unable to use any excuse given my child is 15 and I’m perfectly able to mix in a little exercise to this lazy lifestyle. I decided on this running thing prior to my cleanse, however, since giving up FB I have allowed myself the time to research how to actually become a runner. Before, I would just go for shiggles and try to beat my Uncles time, but now I’m striving to be an actual, real life runner. I have learned to work toward progress, not perfection and trust me, that’s not easy. I instantly want to run a marathon. (just kidding I know I can barely survive a 5k) Running is hard. But, the great thing is during my runs I’ve learned so much about myself, including how to become mentally strong and push myself when things get hard. Not going to lie, usually, about half way through my run, I start questioning my decision and at least once every time, I think of how stupid it is to run and it is the furthest thing from fun. Then, I pull my shit together, tell myself that I am happier, healthier, wealthier and more fit today than I was yesterday. That I am capable of being a bad ass and finishing a measly 3 mile run will set my day up for success. Despite the fact I look like death and I breath like an animal, after my run I feel awesome! Not only do I feel awesome, it feels great to set some real goals, and then accomplish them. Goals=life.

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Not only has this “cleanse” enabled me to achieve and continue to make personal goals.. With all of that, I have also learned how to love myself. Yes, seriously. I hear people say how important it is to love yourself and it makes me want to gag. I think “my god how in love can you be with yourself!?”  However, now that I have dug a little deeper on this subject, I have come to the harsh realization that you will never truly succeed in anything until you fully love and accept yourself. Anyone who knows me knows that if you compliment me on ANYTHING I have a really hard time accepting it. I hear “you look nice” and my response is “ugh, I’m disgusting” or “you look like you’re losing weight” me- “I’m a huge fat ass”. I think, or assume, that people probably think I am fishing for more compliments (that’s what I think when people respond to me like that) but the truth is, I really truly felt that way about myself. How sad is that!?  I am still very guilty of responding this way from time to time, but I have acknowledged that talking about myself like that is the dumbest and possibly the most damaging thing that I could be doing to myself. There are many things that I don’t like about myself, but knowing that I have the power to change that and actually acknowledging these things, is a major game changer. We are all forever changing and truthfully always trying to find ourselves BUT the absolute most important thing about this journey is loving yourself along the way. All the way.

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These are a few things I have been fortunate enough to explore about myself. Could I have done these things with the ability to surf social media, obviously. But, for me, I felt it was about deleting the negativity that I was grasping on to. It was about removing myself from the fakeness of the world and stepping into reality.

And…Lastly, life without the Kardashian’s, is my kind of lifestyle. No Kardashian’s equals happiness. Trust.

Now that my cleanse is coming to an end, I am happy to be back in the land of social media, but am also happy to know that there is a beautiful life outside and I plan to continue to enjoy it. My life moving forward is to focus on being the best Mom, Wife, Daughter, Employee and Friend I can be. Not the person social media portrays me to be. I am choosing to be ME.

Always.

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Fight the good fight.

KF

 

 

Gratitude.

Now that I have shared a little about myself, I need to share my gratitude. My gratitude for life.

(disclaimer this isn’t a post about me being some self-help life coach on how to change your life and become rich or how I have a perfect life, by any means. This is simply a post about how becoming grateful changed my life. I have gone through some hard times and I am even grateful for them because they have helped make me the person I am today)

We have all grown up with the thought that you go to school, you get good grades, you go to college, you get a job and work there forever until you retire. We look at this retirement thing like ahh I can’t wait to get there some day. To travel the world, to have grandchildren or become a hippie and live in Sedona (like me). The problem with this theory is, it sucks. Why should we have to wait until then to enjoy life. There is so much happening right now to enjoy and the only person stopping you from doing so, is YOU. With social media, all the crap going on around the world, all the depression people are facing every day, it’s so easy to get sucked up in the negative. It is unfortunate as all of us are guilty. But, there are times you just have to say F it, depart yourself from the negative and start being the person you strive to be. The fact is, if you want to change your life and enjoy it today, you have to actually make the change, which takes some work. Unfortunately we live in a world where we complain about our problems and hope they go away. It would be great, and very easy if that were the case buuuuut I think we all know that’s actually not the case, not even close. We see our long lost friends on Facebook who allegedly live this glamorous life, or there are some that also allegedly have the worst life and we are judging them which in return has made us all scared to do anything for the sake of getting judged. Sad right? Fact. It takes a lot to not care what others think, it’s not easy but if you change for one person another will think it’s not good enough so you will never win at life trying to make others happy and avoiding yourself. It’s a joke in my family that every time they see me I have a new job, a different car, purple hair.. something is always changing in my world. This is by design. I don’t care if being “normal” is having the same job for a lifetime, or paying off your car or having blonde hair. I care about being happy. Not everyone is going to agree with your life decisions, and that’s OK. They are not you and you are not them. We are all our own person and we have been given the gift to be ourselves. The even bigger gift is that we get to choose who that person is. There is zero reason any of us should have to wake up unhappy, worried about being judged by the alleged perfect person and the only thing to look forward to is being old on an RV traveling the world. Don’t wait for happiness. Don’t wait to become “that person”. You already are that person. Start now. Do something each day that you love and then be thankful for it. Just by making that small, so incredibly easy change, the world around you will become a better place. Maybe Mondays won’t be so shitty knowing you’re doing something you love. That something doesn’t have to be your job or your hobby, it could be as simple as wearing your favorite outfit or lipstick or talking to your Mom. It doesnt matter. Set yourself up for success. YOU are the only person that can provide yourself with happiness, literally just you. Yes, your companion, your children, your family, job etc provide that but that’s icing on the cake. If you love yourself for being you, you provide those around you with positive energy which in return changes the vibe of your life. With every job, every person, every new experience, every bad day, I have been thankful for the experience, the lessons I have learned, that with every bad day comes a good one. I wake up and am thankful for the man I am so lucky to wake up to every morning, for the opportunity to wake my son up and take him to school every day, for the family that my husband and I have built together. You get my drift… The important thing is to consistently remind yourself that your purpose is constantly changing and that you are always striving to be your highest self. Show those that surround you that you’re thankful for them, show the world that you’re thankful for it and most importantly show yourself. Enjoy this life, you only get one chance at it, you might as well make it what you want it to be…. Right?

 

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Holy Shit. “why”?

Have you ever been asked what your “why” is? Why are you here, why are you at the job you currently are, why are you in this moment? Holy shit right? What a tough question. I have learned, just recently, that this is the most important question and it’s even more important that you know the answer. How is it that I am just learning this? Who cares, it doesn’t matter the stage of your life that you realize this, what matters is you ask yourself the question and then you answer it. Your answer may be different today than it is tomorrow, but seriously, once you realize your “why” shit gets real.

I was asked this question in a room full of my co-workers and the first time I was asked, I shit the bed. I didn’t have an answer. I literally felt like I could die with these people staring at me awaiting my answer and I had nothing. I couldn’t even BS my way through this one. So, after I left the meeting and thought to myself wtf is your why? You have to have one. Everyone does. So after a few days of thinking long and hard about it, I took a good look at my life. I dove into my past, examined my present and looked to the future. I had to find out what my “why” was because if I was asked again in front of a room full of people, there was no way I was sitting in silence looking like a fool again.

After doing my rounds of “soul searching”, I finally discovered my why. It was a moment like holy shit, I am in my 3o’s and I think I may have just discovered myself. It’s kind of an AH HA moment. A moment where you feel like you have a purpose. There are days where you question everything. You question things you have said, decisions that you have made, things that you didn’t say, the way you made someone feel, the way someone made you feel. But, the cool thing is, that is life. We all go through this. Life is not easy, but life is worth living and living the best way possible. I am nowhere near perfect and I will never pretend I am, or my life is. But, what I will say is that I am proud of my life and it took me a long time to understand that this life is worth being proud of. So, I will own it and I am not ashamed of doing so.

Me in a nutshell- I had a child at a young age. I was a child myself. It was the scariest time of my life. How the hell was I supposed to support a baby when I was still in high school, had no money, no car and I lived with my parents? I was judged by others, my family was disappointed in me, I was scared. I was alone. I had to grow up overnight. I stopped hanging out with my friends, I took summer school so I could graduate early, I had to become a new person. I became a Mom. I now had to care for another human being and it was my job from that moment to make a life for him, for us. My life was no longer about me. I was incredibly fortunate that my family support was amazing and my son is loved by so many but, I knew I had to prove to not only myself and my son that I was capable of providing for him, I had to prove it to those who judged me on the outside. I had to prove it to those who were dissapointed in me. To those who didn’t want their daughters to turn out like me. So, my first step to better my life was going to college. During this time, my step brother was tragically killed by a drunk driver, my Grandmother also became very ill and passed not much later and soon after my son’s Dad unexpectedly passed away. My soul was crushed over and over. I didn’t make a lot of very smart choices during this time. I was lost and couldn’t figure out where I was headed. I became scared to love anyone because I was afraid of losing them. I treated those who loved me poorly because of that. But, I knew I had no choice but to pick myself up and keep moving. I had to do this for my son. I had to do this for myself. I graduated college, which was a huge accomplishment for me and the first steps toward bettering my life. Soon after, I met my husband at my first “real job” and (it took me a while) but I learned how to love again. He filled a missing piece of my heart and gave me a new purpose. Now, I needed to be my best self for not only me and my son but I had to do it for him and his kids. This became my family. A family I always dreamed about but felt I didn’t deserve. A family that could make my heart burst with the amount of love I have for them. I’m not sure they realize it, but they came into my life at a time that I needed them most.

At some point along my path, I found the world of hospice. It’s the scariest, most beautiful world. During my hospice path, my great Uncle became ill and the decision was made to put him on hospice. I watched, from the outside, the amount of love that surrounded this man. His wife, his children, his siblings, his friends were all there to say goodbye. To remind him how much they loved him and always will. He left this world knowing all of these people loved him and protected him during the time he needed them most. He was not scared and left in peace. Can you imagine leaving this world in peace? I experienced the same with my Grandmother when I was in high school, but didn’t fully understand the blessing it was to get the opportunity to say goodbye. It was what I wished I could have told my step brother and my son’s Dad before they left this world. It is what I am thankful I was able to tell my Grandfather when he passed. It hurts to say goodbye.

But… The word “goodbye” is what became my why. I have said goodbye to friends that brought me down, I have said goodbye to jobs that made me miserable, I have said goodbye to people, feelings, thoughts, emotions, judgments. I have said goodbye to yesterday. I have realized with all of the goodbyes, no matter how it made me feel at the time, I am here because I fucking deserve it. I work hard every day to be ME. To be positive about life, to be a friend to those who need one. To be a shoulder to cry on, and an ear to listen. I am a Mom, I am a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend but above all I am ME. I am not perfect. I will never be. I will struggle some days. I will be pissed, sad, upset other days. But I am here because of my struggles. I am here because I have been scared. I have been alone, sad, heartbroken. I am here because through all of that, I still LOVE life. I love being in love, I love being a Mom, I love being a friend, I love to laugh, I love to have fun, be spontaneous, work hard and cherish this life. Our time on this earth is short and you may not always get the opportunity to say goodbye. BUT, there is always opportunity for a hello that follows and both have proven to be my “why” and have guided my way, given me purpose and a sense of peace and pride in this life. Today, I am proud to be ME.

So…. Say goodbye to whatever is holding you back from being your best self. Do all the things you LOVE, right now. Discover your why, because you fucking deserve it.

 

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